Chronically Elle

Tag: mental-health

  • My Star

    My Star

    a love letter to Gracie Abrams ❤

    You’re 15 and in your bedroom, scrolling through Instagram in an effort to distract yourself from the digital silence. The lack of text messages. Calls. Or any sort of contact from the people who want to believe are your close friends. But the phone never rings. The screen doesn’t light up with a notification. The weekend just began and you try not to feel ungrateful for the friendships in your life. You see a photo or two of your so-called ‘friend group’ (you always hated that term because it sounds exclusive and cliquey) without you and try to justify how they’ve neglected you: you’re always busy with swim practice anyway; maybe it was an accident; they wouldn’t purposefully exclude you…

    You continue to scroll on your phone, ignoring the whispers of loneliness in your ear. A video of a girl with long brunette hair running towards a camera in front of a rustic brown barn catches your attention. A relatively niche artist you recently started following is promoting her brand new song released earlier the same day. Something about the strum of the guitar pulls on your heart like a magnetic force and you can’t open Spotify fast enough. You click the play button. And as the next 4 minutes and 9 seconds go by, the entire trajectory of your life is spun around. Every ounce of bitter loneliness you’ve tasted is washed away and replaced by  validation from someone whom you’ve never met but somehow knows you better than you know yourself. You’re not alone. You never were. 

    Sophomore Year of High School-Winter: 

    I am sitting in the quaint and cozy library of Buffalo Seminary High School, desperately searching my brain for the will power to complete my French homework. Listening to Spotify’s recommended songs, I pick up my phone as an unfamiliar beat starts playing followed by an unfamiliar voice. I have been skipping songs I don’t know– I love hearing new music but today I am seeking the comfort of familiarity. Before my thumb lands on the ‘skip’ button I pause at the name of the artist– Gracie Abrams. I have vaguely heard of her before through a friend who is constantly posting about Gracie on her Instagram story (shoutout Grace, if anyone is an OG Gracie fan it’s you), but hadn’t thought to check out her music on my own. I give the song a listen because I am already captivated by her unique vocal and enticing melodies. The song is accompanied by a clip of Gracie dropping what appears to be a birthday cake on a doorstep– but as the song passes, that’s all I really remember. I can’t remember the title, but I do thoroughly enjoy this new song and am excited to share with my classmate that I listened to Gracie Abrams for the first time.

    A couple weeks pass and after scouring Spotify I finally find the “cake” song as I nicknamed it in my head. The title is “Mess It Up” and I immediately add it to my playlists. 

    As the month passes, I add a couple more Gracie Abrams songs like “21” and “Feels Like” to my daily streaming cycle. I made a mental note to stream more of her discography eventually, but little did I know, in just a matter of days Gracie Abrams would impact my life forever.

    April 8, 2022

    After school in my bedroom, I find myself scrolling through Instagram desperately trying to mute the uncontrollable voices in my head. The ones that are going over my every move of the week pin pointing each time I made a mistake, said the ‘wrong’ thing, spoke too softly, shouldn’t have spoke at all, should’ve spoken up, could’ve been a better friend, could’ve have been more proactive, and wondering why I constantly feel like a floating ghost in a world of visible people. I came across photos of my “friends” together without me and wondered where I went wrong and why I always felt so distant from my peers. Being a high-level athlete, I know I probably would not have been available anyway, but an invite still would’ve been appreciated. But these thoughts and critiques are nothing new. I’ve just never had a way to articulate or explain them. I always felt invalid or that somehow it was my fault. These feelings have overtaken my internal monologue since the day I formed my first thought and I’ve just learned to live with it. 

    As I lay there on my bed, my chin resting on one palm while the other holds my phone, I swipe my thumb across the screen yet again. But never did I guess that this single scroll of a screen would change my life. 

    The next video I come upon is an Instagram Reel posted by Gracie Abrams whom I just recently started following. I glance at the caption which reads “somehow Block me Out comes out tonight.” I quickly turn up the volume as I watch and listen to the clip of Gracie running towards the camera, flipping around her long brunette hair (before she chopped it to her now iconic bob in late 2023) in front of producer Aaron Dessner’s famous Long Pond Studios. I am immediately so pulled to the essence of this clip in a way I have never felt before. The video is just a few short seconds of the introduction to the song which is mostly composed of merely guitar chords that somehow sound exactly like my deepest most personal thoughts if those thoughts transformed into music. Majestic but secluded, prominent but subtle. My heart starts to knock on the doors of my chest as I notice the date of the post says April 7, meaning the song has already been released. Rushing to Spotify I type “Block me Out” in the search bar and can’t press play any faster. I hear the now familiar chords of the intro and close my eyes, knowing that this song would be special– having no idea of the extent. 

    For the next four minutes and nine seconds I feel as though a spell has been cast over me. Opening my eyes, I realize they are filled with tears (which is happening to me now as I write this, looking back). Every word of the song is identical to everything I never had the words to say. To make sure I heard properly, I press play once again. This time by the end, my jaw is on the floor and my palm covering my open mouth. I am frozen in shock. Paralyzed by validation. As if answering my prayers, this song gave me words to the feelings I could never quite describe. In a sense, I feel as if my soul is levitating. The weight of isolation I have carried on my shoulders is lifted because someone else knows exactly how I feel. To be completely honest, I am also partly suspicious that Miss Abrams somehow broke into my room, stole my personal journal, and wrote a song based off of what was inside. In my entire 15 years of life, I have never felt less alone; never felt more visible; and never felt more known. An adolescence of feeling misunderstood in my surroundings and lost among my peers is put to an immediate halt by a 22-year old girl I’ve never met and her guitar of enchantment. Without a doubt I have just discovered my new favorite song…of all time…forever…as long as I live. 

    The Memory I Swear Was a Dream

    It is safe to say that immediately after hearing “Block me Out” for the first time, I shortly had the entirety of Gracie’s discography memorized (including unreleased tracks), quickly finding that I heard a piece of my own echo in every one of her songs. At the time, she had only released two EP’s, “minor” and “This is what it feels like”, but no studio albums. Though every single song off of her first two projects is immensely important to me, Gracie finally dropped her first full studio album. “Good Riddance” was released on February 24th, 2023. At the time, I was paranoid about Gracie becoming mainstream with her relatively big single “I know it won’t work.” Though I wanted my favorite artist to be successful, Gracie Abrams becoming a household name in the pop industry felt like losing the intimacy that makes her music so special. The idea of other people knowing the lyrics to her songs was like having my diary exposed to the world. After “Good Riddance,” she gained a larger fanbase but remained relatively underground as far as indie-pop artists go. Just when I didn’t think her music could cut any deeper, Gracie dropped a deluxe version of “Good Riddance” in June of 2023. Not only did she include “Block me Out” on this version of the album, but she added 3 new songs including “Unsteady” which immediately stole the spot as my second favorite song of all time.

    Gracie performing “Block Me Out” at The Era’s Tour

    About a month prior to the release of “Good Riddance (Deluxe)” my wildest dream came true. As if stars aligned perfectly, I not only snagged last minute tickets to Taylor Swift’s “The Eras Tour,” but it was the only show that weekend with Gracie as an opener (and Phoebe Bridgers which is unreal in itself). Not only did I see Gracie live, but she performed the song that changed everything for me. I shed buckets full of tears at the reality of seeing Gracie in person and hearing her live voice sing songs I swear she wrote just for me.

    With 8 million monthly listeners on Spotify and a guitar, Gracie stepped on stage in Gillette Stadium and I automatically broke into sobs for the next 20 minutes while she performed four songs. When that all-too familiar intro to “Block Me Out” started to play, I started quite literally choking on my own tears (which can be heard on my shaky video when I cry out “I can’t breathe.”)– so much so that people turned their heads in concern wondering how I could be so emotional over the opener before Taylor even stepped on stage. 

    Watching Gracie’s Career Takeoff

    You probably know her as the “‘That’s So True’ girl,” or Taylor Swift’s apprentice with the bob that gets shorter by the day, but I will always know her as the girl that changed the game of life for me; my mentor; my best friend who doesn’t know I exist (if you can’t tell I am very parasocial about her). After her release of her sophomore album “The Secret of Us” in June 2024, Gracie took the music industry by storm. With the song “us.” featuring Taylor Swift, the Tiktok hit “I Love You, I’m Sorry,” and of course, the global hit “That’s So True” bringing her to 37million monthly Spotify listeners, my biggest fear came true– Gracie Abrams became one of the biggest breakout names in music. But I couldn’t be prouder of the artist who deserves it all. 

    To represent the way Gracie has permanently impacted my life, almost a year ago I got my first tattoo of her lopsided star logo which has been applied to Gracie’s merchandise since the start of her career (she also has a similar tattoo of her own!). To me, this tattoo was more than just an aesthetic decision or using my independence as an 18-year old. The little star on my right forearm is a  way to remain eternally connected to the artist that serves as a lifeline for me (and I am already plotting to get my second Gracie-related tattoo…). Though I am not sure I will ever be completely free from how “every voice in my head is trying its best to haunt me” as Gracie sings in “Block Me Out,” I know I will always have music to lean on when “I look around to find it desolate” (Abrams, “Block Me Out”). This song still applies to my life and hits home just as hard as it did the first day I heard it four years ago. I use it like oxygen to breathe, having it’s specific Spotify code hanging on the wall in my dorm room as a reminder that when I feel no one hears me, Gracie Madigan Abrams always will. 

    Every day I pray I will get the chance to meet Gracie. It would mean the world to thank her for her courage to be vulnerable, talking about the uncomfortable topics that ultimately unlock souls from the cage of feeling alone. I truly could write an essay just as long as this one about each of her songs individually. Though “Block Me Out” was the turning point that started what would become a lifelong obsession, she does not have a single track that isn’t deeply personal to me in some capacity– and I know many fans reading this would say “that’s so true!” (pun intended).

    In utmost seriousness I do not know how I would function in a world without Gracie and her music. Listening to her voice has become my daily dose of comfort, as vital for my health as any prescription on my shelf. To sum it up, I have probably shed more tears (of every emotion) from the existence of Gracie Abrams more than anything else combined in my life–but as a true Gracie fan, “ after all of this time I should be a pretty crier” (Abrams, “Block Me Out”).

    Gracie during “21”- getting to scream the lyric “sorry!” back at her is a moment I think about every day.

  • Taylor Swift does NOT think “woe is me.” And certainly neither do I!!!!

    I just had a thought that I really needed to type out. I’ve been in this high state of emotional conflict lately where I feel trapped between showing who I am and owning it, and shying away from it out of fear of how I could be perceived. Specifically regarding EDS. EDS has affected me my entire life. But I always put my head down and stayed quiet through the pain. I took the proper medications and did the right physical therapy, but I hated talking about it and cringed at the term “chronic illness.” How could I possibly be ill if I am competing at national levels in the pool? How could I be both tough and acknowledge this illness at the same time? I always felt that having EDS was something that should be only mentioned if absolutely necessary. Kept on the down low. A secret. 

    With the exponential increase of intensity in training I have experienced since coming to college, my body gave me no choice but to start listening to it and speaking up for myself if I wanted to continue to have success in the pool. The first couple months of my freshman year consisted of constant flareups that I just could not avoid talking about if I wanted to remain the athlete I always was. That “toughness” I carried with me every day had to show up differently, in the sense that I had no choice but to be brave and vulnerable (ew, who wants to be vulnerable?). I began talking to my athletic trainer and my coaches, and finding resources online that helped me understand how my journey might have to look different from the rest of my teammates if I wanted to continue growing as an athlete. Over the past year I have started to learn so much more about my condition and found platforms online that have made me feel so seen and so understood. I started becoming more open to the idea of taking ownership over my condition. Being confronted by these flare ups forced me to start listening to my body and gain more confidence in myself as a zebra (EDS patient). I spent so much time searching for social media accounts run by people just like me, and felt an overwhelming sense of relief and comfort in the fact that I am not alone, most certainly not any less tough for having a chronic illness, and more importantly, for speaking up about it. These accounts inspired me to want to do the same for others (the ultimate purpose of this section of my blog). But this new confidence still came with internal conflict that I am currently struggling to shake. This might sound hypocritical, but as an athlete with EDS, part of me still felt insecure once I started to post more about my experiences. I still find myself retreating back into my younger self who feels like admitting what I go through makes me viewed as weak or self-pitying. So despite everything I just said about my newfound confidence, I still wonder: does posting about my struggles make me look like I feel sorry for myself? Because that is absolutely NOT the goal. And I know deep down that I could not be further from weak. And I am so sorry if you thought I might have an answer to this conflict but I don’t. But as a music fanatic, I did have a thought that comforted me. I thought about how music artists who write and sing about depression and other mental health struggles might be seen as being “woe is me” for being open about the battles they fight. Taylor Swift, the queen of breakup songs (and so much more but that’s not the point), uses her voice to express her heartbreak through music. And though some may see these artists as self-pitying or just outright negative, they are truly doing God’s work for the people who relate. At the end of the day, having someone to relate to can be a game-changer, a life-saver, or simply just a sense of comfort that you are not alone. And that is my goal here. On this blog, social media, and in the world in general.

    Okay, I need to go to sleep. Time to dream of a world where zebras don’t ever feel like they have to paint over their stripes!

  • First Poetry Post!

    Posting poetry is scary. But it is also something I have always dreamt of sharing. Poetry is art. The words are the paint, the pen is my brush, and this section of my blog will serve as the gallery. I hope you enjoy :).

    This first poem is about the contradictory expectations placed on children growing up and trying to maintain the ‘good kid’ persona.

    Be Respectful; be polite; break the silence by Elle Noecker

    Be respectful; be polite; be quiet; raise your hand when you wish to speak; ask permission to use the restroom; stand in line, single file; don’t laugh too loud; make sure to show some enthusiasm; don’t smile too much– this is serious; would you please look happy for once?; respect your superiors; respect your peers; don’t talk while I talk, that’s disrespectful; don’t talk so much, that’s annoying; why are you so quiet?; “I wish your daughter would contribute her ideas more in class;” incorrect; give your classmates a chance; Be respectful; be polite; be quiet; be friendly; be social; make friends– a lot; take people under your wing; get along with everyone; be a friend to everyone; Okay, but where are my friends? Pick a partner for this project; Oh no. Please no; Make sure all group members contribute equally; Don’t do too much; Don’t do too little; Don’t take up space; I wish you would be more assertive; Be respectful; be polite; be quiet; Speak up, I can’t hear you; please don’t talk over me; just tough it out; the world is unforgiving; learn it the hard way; why didn’t you ask for help?; don’t hesitate to reach out; But you never respond?; Why didn’t you tell me sooner?; YOU NEVER REPLY; you’re so mature for your age; you’re an adult, it’s time to act like one; Be respectful; be polite; be quiet; You’re so humble; Have more confidence; stick up for yourself; stick up for others; hey, don’t be rude; learn to take a joke; be yourself; they might not like that; don’t care what others think; make sure to impress everyone; Wear what you want!; not that; do what makes you happy; maybe this isn’t for you; prioritize yourself; be selfless; if you say “no”, you will hurt their feelings; you need to learn to set boundaries; Be respectful; be polite; be quiet; always be honest; you should have kept that to yourself; if you stay true to your values, the right people will find you; Where is everyone?; think before you speak; you’re overthinking this; take a well deserved break; you should have been more productive; alone time is important; you’re so anti-social; make good choices!; learn to live a little; Repeat steps until–; until what? I lose my mind!?